if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
