Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize