I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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