my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize