I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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