Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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