ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
