Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
