so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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