awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
