god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
