Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
