You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
