Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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