tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
