I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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