you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
