Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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