Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
