the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
