My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
