the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Randomize
