I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
