I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
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