is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
