I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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