I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
