The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize