i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize