u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
