My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I need to sanitize my soul.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
