Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
