this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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