Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
