I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
