Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Randomize