Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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