I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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