There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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