How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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