i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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