so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize