just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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