life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
