Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
