just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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