Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I think I won the penis lottery.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
