I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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