I just made out with a guy for $7.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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