I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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