Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
