I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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