Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
