My liver just broke up with me...
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
