first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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