Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
