90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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