If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
