Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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